I hope to Heaven his soul is gone
by Ahiku
Summary: “Hello Shuichi. It’s me, Ryuichi!” Two friendly eyes looked at him, but the childish smile couldn’t hide the seriousness of the elder face.
1. Chapter 1

Title: I hope to Heaven his soul is gone

Disclaimer: I do not own Gravitation and I work unprofitably.

Warnings: death, depri, darkfic, shonen-ai, lime

Pairing: 読んで下さい。Read it please. ) Try to find it out by yourself!

Comment:

I'm really sorry for my shitty English, guys. Unfortunately English is not my mother tongue, so please don't kill me, when there is something wrong, okay? °

Originally I have written this text in German, but last night I suddenly wanted to translate something…

Gosh, my English goes down the tubes. scream

Well, na no da.

If there's still someone who wants to discover my scary world of incorrect grammar and spelling mistakes, feel free to read this stuff.

Rieina Bara: Uwaaah…Thank you! . I thank you so much for correcting this chapter.

ありがとうございます。Arigatô gozaimasu.

"Goodbye, Shuichi."  
For hours he stared at the ceiling of his room. The walls were still bare, because he had moved in just a short time ago. Only a few posters of his idol, Ryuichi Sakuma, decorated the walls, where the plaster already fell off.  
Shuichi sighed and turned round to look at the luminous face of his alarm clock. It was already 3 o'clock in the middle of the night and he was unable to sleep. Outside a car seemed to pass; a ray of light wandered about the floor, up to the wall and the roof. Shuichi closed his eyes.  
It was over. It was all over and done. Yuki had left him.  
Shuichi always thought they could become happy together, especially after Yuki had realized that Shuichi wasn't a replacement for Yuki Kitazawa.  
But now nothing could be done about it. Somehow his own reason gave him a start. But he had recognized that Yuki and he had their own lives to live.  
In the last part of their life together, he had barely set eyes on Yuki and when his friend was at home at all, he rather spent his spare time on his laptop…  
At last, both of them decided to split up; Yuki went to America and had found a publishing house that was willed to publish his works in the land of limitless opportunity, so he tried to begin a new life there now.  
Shuichi laughed inwardly; had a feeling of bitterness. America…  
Kitazawa…  
He never could free himself from it. The boy shook his head.  
Yuki's past really was too close to Shuichi and would never let him go; it put him in invisible chains…  
Yuki's past had a gravitation which was considerably stronger than the feelings that ever existed between them.  
But even Shuichi had to confess painfully that he didn't love him as much as in the beginning of their relationship…  
First of all he thought that this was normal, because nobody could stand this state of terribly being in love… These permanent attacks of galloping stupidity caused by having a feeling of anticipation in his stomach, a feeling as if he could fly and a rapid pulse, then this awful blushing and permanently sweat-soaked clothes…  
No…such a feeling couldn't exist the whole time. He thought that his love had become more profound, but apparently it wasn't like that.  
He didn't even know if he missed Yuki. A little bit perhaps, but when he considered it, he didn't need Yuki anymore. And Yuki didn't need him as well.  
The pink haired boy sighed again. Then he brought himself to stand up, put some clothes on and finally left his apartment.  
The boy strolled around the metropolis for a while, regarding the dazzlingly bright advertisements that lit up his way. He had to stop racking his brain about that all. He didn't want to think anymore, the more he did this the more he became depressed.  
After recognizing that his feet turned into ice he decided to pay Hiro a visit.  
He simply needed closeness, a person he could talk to. The quietness in his apartment was unbearable. He just couldn't stand this bareness anymore.  
It was shortly before 6 o'clock in the morning when he woke up Hiro by ringing the doorbell. Dozy, he opened the door.  
"Shuichi…what's the matter?"  
"Anô…gomen ne for dropping by so early in the morning…may I come in?"  
"Hm, sure…" The longhaired mumbled and stepped aside to get out of Shuichis way.  
"I couldn't stand it anymore at my home… Over the years I lived with Yuki, I had been too used to the fact that I'm not alone." He screwed his eyes up. "I'm really sorry that I'm disturbing you that early…"  
Hiro groaned. "It is okay, Shuichi… you know that you're always welcome." He said with a tired smile and rubbed his hair.  
He could imagine that Shuichi felt alone. Yuki was away, Hiro himself was with Ayaka, who was his girlfriend now, for much of his time, and otherwise he thought that the boy had no friends.  
Shuichi was too busy with the relationship towards Yuki and Bad Luck's way up; he had no time to find new contacts. It was especially difficult to find people who liked him because of his character and not due to the fact that he had success.  
At any rate he was a celebrity in Japan, a second Sakuma Ryuichi and his successor so to speak. Of course he was very proud of it and bore it with dignity. He worked very hard to meet the necessary requirements… because Sakuma-san wanted it like this.  
Shuichi sat down on Hiros bed and turned the TV on. Hiro, who needn't go to bed again anyways because Shuichi wouldn't let him sleep took his guitar and began to polish it a bit, because it should look good on stage.  
Shuichis eyelids became heavier. He sank back, didn't really understand what they were saying on TV. Only half awake he watched the morning news.  
Yokohama. Last night a multiple dwelling was in flames. Nobody died, but some of the occupiers were overcome by fumes and had to be admitted to hospital.  
Los Angeles. Sakuma Ryuichi, Nittle Grasper's former Lead singer who started his career here in Japan, died at the age of 33 years on his way to shootings for his film debut in the USA…  
Hiro let his guitar slip to the ground. With a thud it stroke to the earth, the varnish peeled off and the guitarist looked rigid with fear to the television.  
Shuichi stood up. His view was empty as if he would look through the TV. Shuichi shed bitter tears, but he didn't notice them.  
Only the hand on his shoulder brought him back to reality.  
"Sakuma-san…" He whispered. "Sakuma-san…that can't be true…that really can't be true…no, it can't be…" He muttered again and again. A mad, doubting smile was on his face, whereas his tears couldn't be stopped.  
"Shuichi…" Hiro tried to soothe him.  
"Sakuma-san…Sakuma-san…no…Sakuma-san…"  
"Shuichi...listen to me..."  
"No, Sakuma-san...he is, he can't..." Shuichi looked at his friend with tear-filled eyes.  
"Tell me that it isn't true, Hiro! Tell me that they haven't said this! Please!"  
Hiro looked at Shuichi seriously.  
"Please…" The smaller one whispered.  
"Shuichi…he's dead."  
Sharply Shuichi stopped his crying, stared at his friend in disbelief.  
Horror and anger where reflected on his features suddenly.  
"YOU'RE LYING!" He finally shrieked.  
"YOU'RE A BLOODY LIAR!" Shuichi roared, turned round and shoved the television with a loud yell to the ground. The telly broke into thousands of pieces.  
Wheezing, Shuichi fell on his knees to hit the pile of smashed crockery out.  
"SHUICHI!"  
"YOU'RE LYING! YOU'RE LYING! YOU ARE A BLOODY LIAR! YOU'RE LYING!" He shouted, hitting the fragments, deep cuts littering his skin.  
However he didn't feel the pain. In his heart everything was so empty, but nevertheless there was this immense rage…  
"I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU, SAKUMA RYUICHI!" He screeched while starting crying again.  
"Shuichi…" Hiro took Shuichis wrists, hold on to the dainty boy.  
Shuichi looked at the guitarist; tears welled up in his eyes once more.  
"Why is he just gone without saying goodbye? Why does it have to happen to him…why did he have to die without…without…?" He sobbed, ragged with pain.  
"I can't believe it…I will not believe it!" He whispered.  
Slowly he stood up, moved from Hiro's grip gently but firmly to go to the balcony.  
To be on the safe side, the longhaired guy went behind, because he feared that Shuichi would jump to his death. But the boy only wanted some fresh air, breathed in very deeply and began to shout as loud as he could.  
Birds flow away. His scream was bloodcurdling, echoing; and even Hiro went all goose-pimply. Apparently his tears didn't want to stop running and dropped to the ground. His bloody hands groped for the wall while he put one foot in front of the other; he tried to dig his nails in the wall, then pressed his back against it and dropped to the ground.  
He sobbed painfully.  
His idol was dead. Sakuma Ryuichi didn't live anymore. That couldn't be; that simply couldn't be true. The person he admired the most in the whole world, the person he owed his career, his advancement, the person who always helped him to go on and carry on when he had a bad patch; this person who deeply impressed him like no person in his life before did, shouldn't be alive anymore? Simply like that? Died on his way to the shootings?  
No, that couldn't be true.  
He hugged his knees and began to teeter until Hiro drew Shuichi close to him and embraced the light body softly.

to be continued


	2. Chapter 2

Ah yes… Thank you Rieina Bara for beta reading.)

It was a dull and rainy day, which exactly expressed Shuichi's mood, when the small funeral procession stood around the freshly dug grave, crying.  
Hiro looked around. There weren't many people.  
Hi sighed. Ryuichi seemed to be busy with his career so much so that he couldn't make friends. That reminded him of Shuichi. And there was nothing the matter with him.  
Little by little all the guests left the cemetery, Toma held the crying Noriko in his arms.  
Toma had made sure that Ryuichi's funeral would take place in Japan, because where he was born, he also should be buried; close to the people that looked after him when he still was alive.  
"Shuichi, let's go?" Hiro said empathetically, touched the hand of the shattered boy carefully, for the reason that he couldn't do anything but weep distressingly for days.  
"Please, you needn't to wait. I still want to stay a while, okay?" He said with shaky voice.  
Hiro didn't want to go actually because he wasn't sure if Shuichi wouldn't use Sakuma-sans cross to stab himself to death?  
But surely he wouldn't be able to forbid his friend to be alone with Ryuichi just for a while.  
It was obvious that Shuichi had feelings for the elder singer since his childhood? Sure, Shuichi loved him somehow, he admired him?  
Ryuichi and he weren't friends like Hiro and Shuichi were, but there was a kind of tie between them which bound them, making them belonging to each other?   
"Ok, Shuichi? I'll go home. You know where you can find me?"  
He nodded, didn't try to dry his tears.  
For a moment he stood still, crying silently, so that nobody could hear it. The wind blew the rain into Shuichis face; his hair became wet and stuck to his forehead.  
After laying a white lily on top of the grave he collapsed. His hands were sinking into the mud.  
"Shuichi?"   
He must have been lying for hours on the grave. When he regained consciousness he noticed that it was pitch-dark already.  
Dozy, he looked around, then started shivering.  
"Shuichi!" His name again, was he going crazy? He had heard Sakuma-san's voice once more?  
He already missed him when he went back to America, but now this situation was unbearable. Arduously, he stood up, swayed, and then he had a new attack of dizziness.  
"Shuichi? Hey, Shuichi!" His eyes became bigger. That must be a hallucination. There was Ryuichi, who sparkled in the wan moonlight. The boy shivered more.   
"A ghost?" He whispered and began to go towards this apparition.  
A smile was on his face, decorated his dirty face.   
"I'm crazy? There's Sakuma Ryuichi's ghost?"  
He approached him faster and faster; extended his hand towards him, to grab him, to keep hold of him. He wanted to say goodbye, to tell him something really important before he had to go to the kingdom of death.  
"Sakuma-san." He shouted and started to run. The image of the elder singer seemed to become blurred. No, he also ran and seemed to leave the cemetery.  
Shuichi ran slap into somebody.   
"Sakuma-san!" He shrieked once more.  
"SHUICHI." Someone held on to his arm and began to shake him.  
"Damn it, where have you been? I was so worried and searched you everywhere! Have you been here on the cemetery all this time?"  
Shuichi looked around, apathetically.  
"Shuichi, come to your senses!"  
"Hiro, I've seen Sakuma-san! He was a ghost and talked to me!"  
Hiro regarded him seriously.  
"Shuichi, that was your imagination, surely you're feverish?? He held his hand and pulled him behind, brought him to his apartment. "Sorry, you can't stay at my place. Ayaka's there?? He said and made Shuichi open the door. He helped him to get off his shoes, took off his own and pushed the boy towards the bathroom.  
"Listen, you get a shower now and then you go to bed. And brush your teeth, okay? Shuichi?"  
Shuichi stared into space.  
Hiro rolled his eyes, undressed the boy and forced him to lie down in underwear, and then he covered him.  
"Sleep now, Shuichi? I got to go, don't mess about, okay?"  
Hiro waited a moment, until Shuichi seemed to sleep and went to his own apartment. He didn't want to leave him alone; Shuichi was in a too bad shape.  
Shuichi squirmed, dreamed misleading things, then he sat in his bed bathed in perspiration and as straight as a die, giving a sharp and loud cry.  
Confused he looked around. The same bare walls?  
He closed his eyes shortly, then opened them again and shrieked in shock once more. He looked at a pale face.  
"Shuichi, be quiet!"  
"TASUKETE! HELP! A GHOST! HELP ME PLEASE! HELP!" The boy shouted in panic. Then he felt that something slapped his head a bit violently so that he fell asleep once more.  
The next morning he stood up very early and took a cold shower to take his mind off things.  
After that, he took his way to Sakuma-san's grave and hoped that his imaginations were true and the grave would be actually empty?  
He wanted to turn off to the cemetery-street when he caught sight of Hiro; but before he had the chance to call his name, someone put his hands over his mouth and pulled him into the bushes.  
"Shhh…hush now?" A hoarsely voice murmured against his ear. "If you scream I'll kill you."  
Shuichi, who really wanted to shriek, tried desperately hard to free himself from, yay, what was this? Kidnapping? Hostage-taking?  
He hadn't a clue.  
He tried to turn around to look at the face of the person that held him so close.   
His eyes widened. That couldn't be true!  
"Hello Shuichi. It's me, Ryuichi!?  
Two friendly eyes looked at him, but the childish smile couldn't hide the seriousness of the elder face.   
"Can I take my hand away? Will you stay calm?"  
Shuichi became pale, but nodded then.  
"S…Sakuma-san's ghost?? He mumbled in a distraught way.  
"Nonsense, you stupid twit? I'm no ghost or can a ghost do this?? He asked and embraced him softly.   
Shuichi's eyes became huge. He felt warm hands on his back, and then he clung around the pink haired boy's neck.  
"Shuichi, help me, please?"  
"S…Sakuma-san?? He whispered anew. He wasn't really capable of understanding this situation.  
"You're not dead at all?"  
"Argh? Would I sit in front of you then??   
Shuichi shook his head.  
"No?" He meant.  
"Listen, Shuichi, this is not a good place to talk"  
Shuichi nodded again. No, in the bushes he hadn't made good conversations indeed.  
Bewildered he grabbed Sakuma's wrist and made his way home.  
"Well, I'll bring you to my place. I think you really have to explain some things?"

to be continued


	3. Chapter 3

OO Oh, oh wow? I got comments! Wooah, thank you so much! T.T I never thought someone would read this stuff? It's confusing, right? I really hope you can understand my English? I'm so sorry…  
Thank you again, Rieina Bara )

As fast as he had arrived to the cemetery, both of them got to Shuichi's apartment. Ryuichi took off his shoes and breathed a sigh of relief. He did know this apartment already, because he was there in the night to talk to Shuichi, but the boy somehow wasn't really responsive; so he left him alone and wandered around the dark streets of Tokyo again.  
"Please, sit down?" Shuichi said and offered him a cardboard box seat full of books. Ryuichi accepted this invitation.   
"Sorry, it's not very pretty here, I just moved in a short while ago?" He said.  
"Are you thirsty? Or hungry?" He asked casually, but then heard Ryuichi's stomach rumbles.  
He went into the kitchen, searched in his cupboards, cooked water and brought some foodstuff back to the room the elder sat.  
Then he put down his ballast on another box and pushed it to Ryuichi. After that he got a kind of chair for himself and joined Ryuichi.  
"Aren't you together with Yuki anymore?" Ryuichi asked finally. Shuichi looked at him a bit annoyed.  
"Keep to the point. Why you're still alive? I mean, not that I'm not happy about it, but I'm confused." He gave a cross answer; then he went back to the kitchen to make some tea. Ryuichi spread his toast and devoured it, eating it in three big bites; then he repeated this with another one.  
"Sorry, Shuichi?" The elder one apologized rather sheepishly.  
"I think a 'sorry' can't help you in this situation. Ryuichi, what did you mean by this action? I don't understand it!" He said and stuck his head through the kitchen door. Then he came back to the living room, loaded with the teapot and cups.  
"Why you're playing death? Ever thought that you have to take the consequences when this will become public?" Shuichi gave him an angry look. He really started to yell at the other one.  
"Sorry, Shuichi?" Ryuichi apologized again and again. "I'm so sorry, but what should I do? This woman is mad?"  
"Eh? Which woman do you mean?"  
"This Reiji. Believe me; she would have killed me if I hadn't done this by myself??  
The expression on Shuichi's face was indescribable. Reiji; yes, he could imagine this well. He was sure that Ryuichi had acetic acid in his water or gasoline in his juice?  
It doesn't bear thinking about...  
There was something wrong with this woman, without a doubt...  
"She said that she loved me, but she shows this in a very strange way."  
"I know. I had the same problem, but I didn't need to play death to sort it out?"  
"Oh, Shuichi…" Ryuichi started to speak. Shuichi startled. Ryuichi really was on the verge of tears?  
"I don't know what I shall do now?"  
Shuichi, who spread his toast as well and nibbled at it, looked at Ryuichi with huge eyes.  
"I think I really can't help you? Anyhow, I don't know a possibility to solve this problem apart from killing yourself? But I wonder about two things. First of all, how did you manage this?"  
"It pretended itself, please don't ask?" He said with a light smile, and then he looked at the floor in embarrassment...  
"But I'm really interested."  
"The car… I stood behind a tree and the car rolled away. It crashed trough a parapet and then it fell to the ground and burned down. And after that something in me snapped and I got away. Certainly I don't understand why they pronounced me dead."  
Shuichi sipped at his tea.  
"Hmm, it's strange. In these crime thriller's they always search the teeth and compare it with dental records or something?? He assumed and devoured his fourth toast.  
"Really strange, either somebody wanted you to vanish and let it happen or they're just too stupid... Well, I thought that you were dead?" Shuichi sighed. This whole thing was more than odd, but that was a load off his mind. Ryuichi was alive. He was still alive. He could have cried because he was so happy, but due to the situation he rather let it be?  
"Who should want me to vanish?" The green haired asked.  
"Hey, think! Don't you believe that you're not envied? You were shortly before your debut in Hollywood and especially there must be a lot of designing??   
"Shuichi? Have you improved your vocabulary?" Ryuichi smiled gently. He didn't know Shuichi like that. How long had it been sense he last saw this kiddo? Six month? He wouldn't really admit to himself that he had missed him, but actually he did?  
This naive little silly-billy…  
"Ah, I also want to know, Ryuichi, why you've confided this to me? Why not to Toma, why not to Noriko??  
Ryuichi thought about it a while. It was right; it was a sure thing that he would confide in Shuichi. He travelled under false name to Japan and watched his own burial, secretly. This was a strange feeling.  
But it made his heart bleed to see Shuichi in this condition. He had never had seen him crying in such a way.   
"Because I trust you…" He said finally. Shuichi looked at him. He wanted to say something, but suddenly he had a stabbing pain in his chest. He held it and began to cough.  
Ryuichi looked at him anxiously. "Are you okay?? He asked after Shuichis coughing fit.  
"Huh? I must have caught a cold?" Shuichi answered hoarsely.

to be coninued


	4. Chapter 4

The remaining time of the day they stayed in Shuichi's apartment and tried to find a solution for this really big problem. So they took everything from Ryuichi should confess the whole thing and create a scandal or he should go abroad, join a sect and commit suicide some time in consideration. But he really liked none of these ideas. In the meantime it got very late. Shuichi pulled a futon out of the wardrobe and spread it out on the floor.

"You can take the bed." He said to the green haired.

"But… I can't. I see that you're ill."

"You are my guest!"

"I've invited myself!"

"It's all the same to me. You're my guest and so you will sleep in this bed! That's that! I'll search some clothes for you, wait a second."

He threw a towel at him. "Here, I'm sure you want to shower, ne?" Ryuichi smiled and nodded. Oh yes… a shower, that was, what he needed; apart from sleep.

"The bathroom is at the end of the hall on the left side." Shuichi said. His upper half was in the wardrobe, searching for something to put on. "You can go; I'll bring you the clothes."

"Okay…" Ryuichi said and went out of the bedroom, but than he put his head through the door again.

"Shuichi…?"

The boy looked at him.

"Yes?"

"Thank you."

Shuichi smiled.

He liked helping him, though he really couldn't do it. He had no idea how Ryuichi should get over his difficulties…

Ryuichi leaned his forehead against the wall when the warm water flowed down his body. That was damn good. And finally, with the water, the tears were flowing down his cheeks, too. Why he got into such a thing? Well, he pushed off, but there was no proof that he really died. What was in his urn? The car's soot perhaps...

Dripping wet he got out off the shower, dried himself a bit and wrapped the towel round his waist limply. Then he opened the door and found some clothes in a cardboard box. He smirked. When there hadn't been this little problem with his not intended fake death he would have bought some pieces of furniture for Shuichi...

He took the boy and carried it into the bathroom and put the sweatshirt and the boxer shorts on. Although he was a few inches taller than Shuichi, the clothes fit him well.

He dried his hair and left the bathroom; went into the sleeping room then.

Shuichi was lying on the floor in his futon sleeping, so Ryuichi turned off the light and sit down on the bet. He closed his eyes. Then he leaned back and opened his eyes again.

Slowly they got used to the dark and could see the bare walls Shuichi hated so much.

He had tried to make them more pleasant by hanging posters on them, but it didn't really work.

Those are all posters of me, Ryuichi thought; closing his eyes anew.

In his head everything rotated, everything was topsy-turvy.

In his room in America he had pictures of Shuichi as well, they were friends after all. But he wasn't sure if he really only had feelings of friendship for this boy.

He wasn't sure about it when he returned to the states, but he hoped that this little feeling would disappear… but it wasn't like that. He sighed. That couldn't be. Shuichi would hate him…

After hours Ryuichi was in a short and dreamless sleep; but awake because of the young man's coughing. Dozy he sat up. Shuichi tossed and turned, coughed, so that it seemed he had to puke soon.

Ryuichi stood up, dropped on his knees and crawled next to Shuichi.

"Shuichi…?" He said softly, pushed him a bit. He was really sweaty.

He leaned forward to the younger and leaned his forehead against the pink haired one.

"My Gosh… you've really high temperature…" He pulled the cover away, slipped his arm under Shuichi's hollows of knees put the boy's arms around his neck and lift him up. He was surprised that Shuichi was so light. Almost like a feather, although he seemed to have a great appetite…

He put him to bed and covered him again.

"I told you… you're ill, so you kindly sleep in your bed. You need it, I don't need it …" He whispered, knowing that Shuichi couldn't hear him.

He went to the bathroom and searched for some medicine in the medicine cupboard; looked for a face cloth, made it wet and returned to Shuichi. Softly he pushed the hair back from Shuichis forehead and put the face cloth of it.

The younger coughed badly.

Ryuichi thought a moment. The only thing he had found was some balm. He pulled the cover aside, put some of the balm on his flat of his hand and slipped under his top. Gently he spread the stuff over Shuichis chest up to his neck.

He took a smell at the Eucalyptus, could breath freely, too. He blushed as he noticed how long his hand rest on Shuichis flat belly.

He pushed it back, smoothed the top and covered him again. Shuichi coughed gloomy, turned his head, so that the wet towel fell of his forehead. Ryuichi lay it down again, caressed the boy's sweaty cheek.

"I'm so sorry, Shuichi…"

He looked at the sleeping face that also in this dark was really beautiful and stroked his cheek again. But he couldn't do more to help him, so he was laying down in the futon; enjoyed that Shuichi was laying in there only a short time ago, closed his eyes and finally fell asleep, too.

to be continued


	5. Chapter 5

Scared and gasping he opened his eyes. He panted franticly, sat up and looked around. The pictures cleared and he saw his bare room. He wheezed, stroke his forehead with his hand and felt the flannel that really stuck to it. He removed it; then he looked to the right at the floor.

Ryuichi was lying in his futon… he must have carried him in bed this night. This screwball. He should sleep in bed. Shuichi's bare feet stood on the floor, tried to get a good standing position, before he could get up in a shaky way. He tried desperately hard to keep his equilibrium, but then he blacked out, swayed and if two strong arms hadn't held him, he surely would have been hitting the ground.

"Shuichi… Is everything alright with you?" Sakuma asked and looked at him anxiously.

"Hai… I just felt dizzy. Thank you…" He said and blushed because he noticed that he must have weigh heavily on the elder one.

"I'm sorry." He said, sat up and kneeled down; then he bowed down before him briefly.

"What? Don't worry, I'm absolutely okay, you're a flyweight." The green haired said and smiled.

Shuichi looked at him in embarrassment, but after a while he scrutinized him from head to toe. Ryuichi looked really miserable. Sure, that was no strangeness; the elder one hadn't got a lot of sleep the last time.

"Suman na…" He whispered again.

"Why do you apologize, Shuichi? "

"You need sleep." He answered pithy and tried to stand up but this head was still spinning.

"You need it, too." The green haired said.

"Why you got up? Did you want to go to the toilet?" He changed the subject, gave support to Shuichi because he noticed that he had difficulties with his sense of balance.

Shuichi shook his head. No. He didn't know why he got up. Perhaps he wanted to talk Ryuichi into lying in bed again? He didn't know.

The other had put him to bed, set next to him and looked at him almost lovingly. Shuichi recognized that, although he had to fight against a new unconsciousness. He looked up to Ryuichi, looked him straight in the eyes. Ryuichi was shocked and looked away.

"What's the matter with you?" Shuichi asked finally. Ryuichi thought about it. Should he tell him…? Should he tell him his feelings? That would hurt him, or not? Or if he would think that he's really nuts…? Or went cuckoo?

He shook his head.

"It's nothing." He said and against his statement he pushed Shuichis sweaty hair back from his face gently.

"You look pale."

"Look in the mirror!"

Ryuichi laughed; then he closed his eyes for a moment.

"Shuichi… I really thank you."

"Hm? I did nothing…"

"Oh yes… More than you think. I… I think I will go to some country, where nobody knows me and try to begin a new life there… I could go to South Africa and dive for sea urchins…" He said smiling. But the boy just looked incredibly sad.

Ryuichi sighed.

This was the only solution to these problem… he had to go, far away from Japan and America. And the best thing was to be far away from Shuichi, too, so he could wait until the feelings will disappear… In this situation he already would hurt him, even if he returns his feelings. He knew that it had no future…

Ryuichi still had his eyes closed, but opened them when he felt a gently hand touching his fingers.

Shuichi cried continually, sat up and stroked Ryuichi's cheek; then he gently kissed this soft skin. Ryuichi's eyes opened wide, he felt that Shuichis lips had touched his cheek for a short moment, velvet-softly. He grabbed Shuichi's neck and pulled the boy's head to himself, so that he could look Shuichi in the eyes.

"I… I'm so sorry…" Shuichi whined. "I really don't know what came over me…" He apologized. But then he felt Ryuichi's lips on his, kissing him lustfully while his fingers tried to dry the boy's tears. Panting Shuichi broke away from the other.

"Calm down…" Ryuichi whispered, stroked Shuichis hair and kissed his forehead softly; then he nestled his cheek against the younger ones.

"Take me along with you… I never want to be separated anymore…" He gasped, sniffled then.

Ryuichi shook his head.

"I can't…" He whispered hoarsely.

Shuichi's eyes filled with tears once more.

"Why not…?"

This time it was Shuichi who started a longing kiss. He pressed Ryuichi down to the bed, lay on his body and hugged him tightly.

"I…" The older one croaked. "I don't want that your career goes down the tubes. You can't stop it now…your breakthrough's within reach… live your life, Shuichi…" He mumbled, but then he was pulled back in a new whirl of desire…

Slowly the younger man's hands moved under his top, stroked the perfect skin that felt like electrified due to this touches…

"But I want to be with you…" The other one replied, feeling Ryuichi's warm hands stoking his naked skin, too.

"I can't live without you anymore… you were…" He gasped when Ryuichi played with his nipples until they got hard.

"You always were my model, sempai… You looked after me all the time…" Once more he gasped, felt the quick fingers that reached his waistband, sneaking under it…

"I…ah…I need you. When you're not there my life's so senseless…"

Ryuichi snuggled into Shuichis shoulder, got up then and turned Shuichi around on his back, kneed about him and looked deeply in his eyes.

"But I am here…" The elder singer whispered, bent forward and lay his hand down on Shuichis hearth softly. After that he met these lustful lips again.

Shuichi pulled his arms back, took Ryuichi's face in both of his hands and looked at him.

"But when you go away you're not here with me…" He muttered with shaky voice.

"I don't want to loose you again… It was so horrible when I thought you're dead. I thought I will never ever see you again…"

"Shuichi…"

"It hurt so dreadfully…" He whispered, then he turned his had aside to give way to his feelings and cry.

"Shu-chan…" Ryuichi mumbled, turned Shuichi's face back to him.

"What's Hiro-kun without you? What's the matter with Bad Luck, when you're not there anymore?"

"It doesn't matter… I want to be with you…"

Again and again there lips met, like butterflies met flowers, only short and sweet just to separate again but longing for a deeply meeting.

Hands stroked perspiring skin, sweat mixed with sweat, skin met skin when Shuichi and Ryuichi melt together, lost their control, sent each other into ecstasies and finally reached their climax nearly together...

Ryuichi collapsed on top of Shuichi, kissed him greedy again. They needed a little rest to get their breath back, then they lay there, with their arms tightly around each other and breathed the others smell in; enjoying the warmth of the other body.

"I want to be with you, too…" Ryuichi whispered; caressed the boy who hugged him that tight, looking at him with sparkling eyes. "I want to be with you, too and never have to miss you again… That's why I returned to Japan."

He closed his eyes. Shuichi looked at the older man's beautiful face, these long lashes, the soft features…

"But there's no future in it."

Shuichi breathed out. Sure…he knew that. But it was damn hard to confess.

He didn't say anything, enjoyed the other skin, stroke the thin belly softly until he couldn't keep his eyes open and fell into a deep sleep.

Slowly he opened his eyes, sat up and felt pain in his chest. Everything hurt when he got up and searched for Ryuichi in his apartment, because the elder didn't lie next to him anymore. But there was no sign of him; the futon was in the wardrobe as if nobody had used it, the dirty dishes were clean and put back in the cupboard. Shuichi rubbed his eyes, fought against the tears that filled them slowly. Quickly he got dressed and ran to the entrance hastily, put on his shoes and opened the door to run off, but someone blocked his way.

"Where do you want to go, Shuichi?" A well-known voice asked.

First Shuichi didn't recognize his friend. Only when he put his arms around Shuichi's shoulders, the boy looked up with a start.

"Hiro…what are you doing…"

"I was here the whole time, Shuichi. You broke down. I've brought you here. You were feverish the whole night, you tossed and turned in bed and you've muttered strange things… I just was in the pharmacy, buying some medicine for you. Well, where do you want to go now? You rather should put to bed…"

Shuichi's eyes flickered, filled with tears once more. That couldn't be true… he had felt him obviously.

"Shuichi… I'm talking to you."

He gave a sob, looked at Hiro and shook his head; then he pushed him away roughly and ran off. He ignored the calls of his friend, ignored that he was haunting him. His feet carried him fast about the slowly freezing ground, but even the cold couldn't stop his swiftness. He cried incessantly, breathed hectically and ignored the stabbing pain in his lungs, ignored the cough and ran, as far as his legs would carry him.

He stopped running, tripped over his own feet and fell to the parched ground, with a scream of pain.

A few minutes he lay there; then he picked himself up.

"I hope to Heaven his soul is gone." So it was written about the name Sakuma Ryuichi in golden letters. Fresh flowers adorned the grave. Kumagoro, who Shuichi sat on top of the grave by himself, was despondent and seemed to cry in silence.

For a moment Shuichi stood there motionless, stared at the cross behind the fresh grave.

"Shuichi…!" The long-haired guitarist panted, finally reached his friend.

"What's all this for?"

But the boy just looked trough him. Hiro tried to get closer to him, wanted to embrace him, to give him closeness, but Shuichi pushed him away again and started to run once more…

A good long while he had been sitting at the edge of the stage of the Zepp Tokyo, having a look at the auditorium and remembering Bad Luck's very first concert…

In his hands he had a piece of cold metal he had found a while ago in one of the whole drawers in Yuki's apartment; put it from one hand to the other.

Then his lips formed a smile.

"I can't live without you…" He muttered. A lonely tear curled about the soft skin of the face.

"I'm sorry… Hiroshi…"

He sniffled. A shiver ran through his body when he raised his arm and took his hand to his temple.

He fired.

The birds were frightened; they fluttered.

The weapon slid out of his lifeless hands and dropped to the ground with a muffled sound.

He felt no pain. His eyes looked glassy and blank to the ground.

He couldn't see anything.

A slight rivulet of blood spilled out of the corner of his mouth, then his head rolled on his shoulder, his body fell over and lay motionless on the floor in a pool of blood.

He felt as light as a feather, when he moved through the darkness. First of all his eyes anxiously scanned the strange surroundings, looked to the left, looked to the right; he didn't really know where to go to, what he had to do or what happened to him.

But after a short period of wandering around he recognized two arms wrapping around him tightly, pressing him against an apparently body.

A ray of light broke trough the darkness; he noticed the two sapphire eyes watching him, worrying about him, then he was touched by lips, so warm but nevertheless terribly cold…

"You needn't to be scared anymore. You aren't alone…" An incredible pretty voice echoed in his head. Actually the mouth of this seemingly person didn't move, but it was obvious who told these words. He nodded, enjoyed the touches and snuggled against the owner of this beautiful voice that fulfilled him with warmth.

"You needn't to be scared anymore. I'm with you forever. I love you…" The voice whispered again, kissed both eyelids gently and then gave him a smile of pure affection. He embraced him tightly and disappeared with him in the eternity.

The End.


End file.
